what the fuck is it with these messages in my guestbook. people are so messed up. no i'm not a rapist and no i don't have cp. and can someone tell me what "vamp.cc" is? i disappear for 2 years and that's what i come back to. fuck off.

i take proper and precise care of my teeth, yet they ache. i want to make it stop forever. why is answering texts so difficult? just leave me alone. let me be unbothered in my own little world. i wanna go to the ward.

disappearing for a while is a good approach to solving problems. i'm listening to juke joint jezebel and itching the shit out of the mosquito bites that litter my legs. the wifi is being horrible due to the bad weather, so much for summer, right? i like sliding my fingernail down the center of my torso and pretending it's a scalpel.

i love the jackson 5, i especially love their song "abc". it makes me feel happy and as if nothing's wrong. good vibes. i had a dentist appointment yesterday and went to a café with my mom afterwards. of course, an argument ensued. she thinks i'm being crazy. i fucking hate her. i don't like it here, it's better in my dreamscape. in the next world, my mom doesn't even exist. i've written her out of the storyline. i still haven't handed in my assignments.

everything is fucking falling apart. i don't know for how long i'll be able to put up with it. i want to vanish. i want to go to the next world as soon as possible, i hate it here, i hate everyone, i hate everything. this is not where i belong. this is not my reality. whoever did this to me deserves to suffer for putting me through so much pain. i need to be where i'm supposed to be. please get me out of here.

i wanna smoke weed. i haven't eaten in two days.

friday, i'm in love. i feel so much lust that it completely overtakes me sometimes. i want to sleep with someone. the person i choose to be with in the next world is going to be so good to me. in the meantime, i need to feel something. a literal look into my mind would so lewd it'd have to be censored in entirety. of course i'd never admit any of this to anyone i know, which is why i'm spilling my filthy guts on here. i want to fuck. i wanna be fucked. i want someone to rail me.

i woke up early today for school. the weather was nice, so i wore my new outfit. i listened to music on the bus and felt relaxed. i was the only one in my friend group who showed up, so that was a bummer. went home early before lunch, got ice cream on the way home, ate some of it, then couldn't stomach any more because it tasted bad and i'll get fat again. there are so many assignments that need to be finished before this week ends, but i can't bring myself to work on any of them. i'm so tired, so done, so over everything. yesterday i blocked two people on instagram, it felt good. my friend has to put down two of her dogs today. that doesn't feel good.

emptiness consumes me. i dreamt that i was dating one of my instagram followers. woke up sad and lonely. it's the same story over and over, the next world is my escape but anytime i think i'll be able to stay there, i'm brought back. the next world is my dreamscape. without it, i would be nothing and have nothing. everything exists there only because i exist here. i want it to become my permanent reality. when i die, it's where i have to go. rather than just being the "next world" in theory, it'll be the realest place i've ever been. being stuck here is causing me to slowly decay over time. there's nothing, absolutely nothing for me where i am right now. i need to get out. yet if i were to take any shortcuts, my departure would be premature. why's it so hard to get what i want?

time is moving too fast. it's late at night and i'm listening to malibu by hole, from their album celebrity skin. this guy i've been talking to on discord is being rude for no reason. he's always rude to me, it's because i'm a girl. stupid cunt hates women simply because he has no luck with them. so of course, he takes out his anger on me. he just has to project his ignorant ideas onto me and anyone else who happens to be of the female gender. i am closer to the essence of innocence and purity than he will ever be able to grasp. i hate him and the sickness he spreads. there's too much sickness and i want to destroy it. when i go to the next world i will have everything i've ever wanted, and it'll be clean. not a trace of evil to be found. the next world is where i'll be at peace. thinking about it brings me joy. everyone i love, everyone i adore, they'll be with me there. the evil will not be joining us, and if it makes an attempt, i will eradicate it once and for all.

there is nothing going on in my life. i'm so bored all the time, i have nobody to talk to, there's just nothing. for how long is this going to be my life? i'm waiting and i'm searching for the one who will help me out of this misery. please give me a sign that you're out there, i don't know how many wrongs i can go through. i need you, the one who's right for me. i'll be anyone you want me to be as long as you say that you love me.

made this site a year ago and haven't done shit to it until now, hello. i don't know how much i'll update, this isn't a priority in my life and i don't want it to be one either. things have been tougher than usual lately, i want to get help but i can't. i can see how much evil there is in this world, i can see the evil things that bad people have done play on repeat in my head. i want to put an end to all of it. they're tainting my world like a disease. i feel so sick, knowing they exist in this reality. it's horrible. on another note, i've been feeling more and more lonely. do i absolutely need friends? no, i do not. do i want them? definitely. hopefully someone on neocities wants to make contact and become mutuals. i'm open to it, if anyone wants to pursue me.